Why engagement ring "rules" are meant to be broken

When it comes to engagement rings, everyone seems to have an opinion about what stone and metal are appropriate to choose, how to go about shopping for the ring, and who can wear an engagement ring. There tend to be so many unspoken “rules” that have been created by society, which put unrealistic and unnecessary expectations on people and can almost ruin the experience of getting engaged.

We are here to tell you to break the rules! The only rules you need to follow are ones that you set for yourself (and sometimes it’s okay to break those too). Let’s review some of the most common "rules" and talk about why we encourage you to break them.

The Rule: Diamonds are the only acceptable center stone

Why you should break it: Society places this rule in our heads with advertisements–TV, social media, billboards–they all tell you that diamonds are a girl's best friend. But there are so many reasons to break this rule, we barely know where to start. Not everyone loves diamonds. Some people prefer the allure of a sapphire, ruby, zircon, or other gemstone. Not everyone can afford a diamond and some colored gemstones are more affordable. There are also some people who are not comfortable with the way diamonds are mined and prefer a more eco-friendly option–such as a lab grown stone. While diamonds are still the most popular choice, there are many alternative options that will also make your engagement ring beautiful.

The Rule: The ring needs to be a surprise

Why you should break it: Who knows your preferences better than you? No one. And not every partner has a grasp on what the other prefers in an engagement ring. It’s a lot of pressure on one person to make a very expensive decision perfectly. Shopping for the engagement ring together ensures that both people are happy with the design, the center stone, and comfortable with the financial cost. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the engagement ring being a surprise, but shopping for it together is sometimes the best choice, depending upon the couple.

The Rule: Only women can wear engagement rings

Why you should break it: This one feels obvious for so many reasons. The first being that not all couples have a woman, and some have two women. For all couples, whether same sex or not, either partner can propose and either partner can wear an engagement ring. This rule is incredibly outdated and we encourage you to do whatever feels right for your relationship–whether neither, one, or both partners wear an engagement ring.

The Rule: The ring must be made of a precious metal

Why you should break it: While the majority of fine jewelry is crafted from precious metals (typically gold or platinum), it’s not the only option. Some people prefer alternative metals and there are many companies who can craft rings in tungsten, titanium, or other materials. Before selecting any alternative metal, just make sure you do your research and understand the pros and cons of the material.

The Rule: You must spend three month’s salary on the ring

Why you should break it: Incomes vary, as does the cost of an engagement ring. This rule was created long ago as a guideline for men who weren’t sure how much to spend on a ring. The answer is: whatever you are comfortable with in terms of your personal financial situation. If three months of your salary is not sufficient to cover the engagement ring you want to purchase, then you can save for as long as you want, or you can choose to finance the ring. If you can pay for the ring with one month’s salary, that is great! And if you’re a couple who prefers to spend money on vacations or other experiences instead of material things, there’s nothing wrong with putting more of the budget towards your honeymoon instead of the ring. What is important is that you evaluate your finances and spend accordingly.

The Rule: The diamond must be round

Why you should break it: Round brilliant cut diamonds are beautiful, but so are oval shaped diamonds, and so are marquise shaped sapphires. Your center stone should reflect your personal style, not an expectation that is set by society. Why not choose something that you love instead of what other people may want for you? Take time to get to know the fancy shaped diamond options and other gemstones before selecting the center stone that best speaks to your style and desires.

The Rule: You must propose with a ring

Why you should break it: What if you don’t like rings at all or can’t wear rings because of a medical condition or your career? The point of an engagement is not the ring, but the commitment between two people to spend their lives together. While the majority of proposals do include a ring, it’s not the only option. You could propose with a bracelet, a necklace, or some earrings. If it’s true love, it won’t matter if it’s a five-carat diamond ring or a rubber band.

The Rule: The ring must be brand new

Why you should break it: Yes, most engagement rings are purchased new. But some are purchased from an estate sale, which can yield a gorgeous antique piece of jewelry with a rich history. Many people choose to propose with a family heirloom, which is a beautiful symbolic way to welcome someone into the family. Others choose to use existing stones from family jewelry to craft a new ring, which is a nice way to incorporate history with a new marriage. Whether your ring is an heirloom or it’s brand new, it should speak to your relationship and what is most important to you as a couple.

While there are traditions involved in the engagement ring and proposal process that have naturally evolved into societal rules over time, that doesn’t mean that you have to follow these norms. Whether you choose to stray from these rules due to personal style, finances, your values, or some other reason, we encourage you to challenge the norm and do what makes you most happy. There is truly no right or wrong way to purchase an engagement ring and propose, as long as it suits your relationship and is meaningful to you both. Maybe it’s time to make your own rules.